Comedy, Las Vegas Style

"You should do it. Go ahead and enter," said Johnny as he patted his brother on the back. "You make everyone laugh!"

They were looking at a nightclub flyer stapled to a telephone pole. It read:

"STAND UP COMEDY CONTEST NEXT FRIDAY. WINNER WINS AN ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP TO LAS VEGAS TO PERFORM AT A MYSTERY VENUE!"

"We've been to that club a few times before.  I think you would really have a chance."

"Let me think about it. OK. I'll do it," laughed Greg.

So Friday morning rolls around.  Greg is practicing his routine on his brother.

"Speaking of the grocery store, I was there the other day.  This blind man walked in with this dog on a leash.  He walked in the door about ten feet and stopped dead in his tracks.  He lifted that dog up and began to spin that thing above his head like a helicopter. Almost instantly the manger ran over and asked, "What in the world are you doing?"  The man said in a quiet voice, "I'm just looking around."

Johnny busted out in laughter. "Now that's a good one," he yelled. "Looking around! Hahahahaha!"

"I feel pretty good about this thing tonight," Greg said with confidence and a smile.

They walk into the club and see about 100 patrons ready for the show. 

"No cover sure brings in the crowd, huh?"

"Yep. don't get nervous. I see you eyeing those steps over there. The stage is only a few feet off the ground," joked Johnny.

See, Greg is terribly afraid of heights.  Has been all his life.  No one knows why or what caused the fear but he freezes up like a fainting goat if he gets up too high. We once talked him into getting a roller coaster, the Steel Eel, at SeaWorld in San Antonio Texas.  This baby is high I tell you. I'd say nearly two hundred feet in the air. And when I say we talked him into it what I really mean is his old drop dead gorgeous high school girlfriend talked him into it. I think she could have talked anyone into doing anything she wanted but I'll leave those stories for another time.

Back to the coaster. OK, halfway up the first and biggest hill I look over only to see Greg unconscious already. This is a huge first drop too.  I mean the tracks almost bend back under themselves, at least that is how it feels.  I yell for him to wake up and try to nudge him a bit. He comes to then falls right back out. The "click, click" chain noises haunt him to this day. So we reach the top of the hill and begin the decent. This is one of the funniest things I have seen to date in my life. As we start to fall and reach top speed, which is about 70 mph, I look over again to see Greg's limp arms raising into the air on their own.  This coaster doesn't go upside down or any thing fancy.  It's claim to fame is speed and endless hills and dips that give a great sensation of weightlessness.  So over every hill and dip, Greg's arms are just flopping around like wet noodles. The best part about this is the "tourist trap" picture the park takes at the best moment of the ride, which is of course the first drop. It was worth every bit of fifteen bucks and is the pride and joy of my refrigerator decor.

So Greg got up on stage went through the five minute time limit and still has more material to go. He killed them.  They love him and since the contest was going to be judged by and voted on by the audience, this is a good sign.  The other twenty before him didn't fair so well.  An outdated Andrew Dice Clay impersonator went up first but that routine has been played out. Some dude who looked like carrot top on steroids, oh wait, that may have been him.  And other Sammy Davis and Dean Martin duo.  These two were so tanked they could barely stand.  They did a pretty good imitation I might add.

So the last comedian finished and within 20 minutes the result were in.  Greg won by a landslide. They were going to Vegas.

"And the winner is Greg Maloney!"  The host screamed over the audience's applause and whistles. "Greg, tell me who you are taking with you to Vegas?"

"I'm going to take my brother, Johnny," he yelled.

"Well folks, Greg is going to be performing in our first annual mystery venue in Vegas along with several other comedians from around the country that won similar contests. Let's end the mystery. Greg you are going to be performing at the world famous Stratosphere! Your stage back drop will be the Vegas skyline, the stars, and the moon.  The Stratosphere's Observation Deck is one thousand feet in the air!"

Greg passed out at that point.

A few days later they decided they needed to figure something out.  This thing about the heights needed to end.  The winner of The Stratosphere contest wins $15,000 and an automatic invite to the contests in the future.  To good to pass up.

"You know, I've heard that people can get over their fears by wearing a disguise while performing the acts that cause the anxiety."

"And you want me to wear a disguise while on stage?"

"Don't mock me.  It's true.  I Googled it."

"So that makes it true?  Are you a moron or did mom just drop you on your head when you were little?"

Within a few hours they were at the costume store.  They spent some time browsing then Greg pulled one from the rack.

"I found it.  This is the one," he said.

Thankfully they lived about five hours from Vegas.  I don't think they would have allowed Greg to fly with this costume on.  He doesn't even like to watch planes fly around the air. 

I was really proud of Greg. I watched him ride the elevator up to the observation deck, step out onto the stage and entertain that crowd like no one else.  His costume was great.  If you ever get the chance to see a grown man dressed like Snoopy tell a joke about a blind man and his seeing eye dog, don't pass it up.  Oh yeah, Greg won that year and the following year.  The third year he was beat by Peppermint Patty.  She never liked Snoopy anyway.